Howdy! So I had a bit of a break through moment the other day that showed just how far I have come in accepting my body.
I was at a shop for a brides maids dress fitting and this dress that had fit fine a couple months earlier was a bit tight around the ‘ol bootay. Now typically I might freak out and have all these feelings of self hatred and embarrassment, and truth be told some of those thoughts did flit across my mind as I was standing there on a little platform with floor to ceiling mirrors surrounding me on three sides. However, the way I responded to these thoughts was quite different than usual. I was annoyed by the thoughts and realized I didn’t actually want to loose weight and fit better into this dress. I was, I am, quite comfortable with my body. More comfortable than I have been in years. Years! About five years to be exact…since graduate school when my body changed dramatically which you can read about here. Now I’m in an odd place. I don’t care to loose weight. I know I am healthy, and yet I need to to fit into this dress.
This new self accepting attitude has come after months and months of self-love work, and although I have come a long way I know I still have a LONG way to go with this. I know something, possibly many things are still off. My tell? Massive amounts of chocolate.
Case in point: over the course of the day yesterday I ate one of those medium family size bags of M&M’s… oh and it was one of the “get an extra 10% free” bags. I wish I could say this was just a random bad day, but the truth is this happens a lot. I eat a ton of chocolate and then feel strait up sick. Sick to my stomach, light headed, unable to concentrate, and yet I repeat. This is not loving my body. I know the damage sugar spikes like this do to me. I’ve done the research, and yet I repeat.
I’ve been trying to let myself eat whatever I want whenever I want because a lot of the people in the disordered eating food recovery and self love field say that this is a necessary step in recovery. To stop judging what you’re eating. To stop labeling food as good or bad. I am trying, really trying to do this. However, I still feel like I “shouldn’t” be eating all of this sugar. I’m not there yet, but I am trying.
This is a journey. It’s been a long one, but I believe it is an extremely worth while one.
If you can relate or have any advice please let me know. Thanks 🙂
All the love,