Dear Journal – March 18th

I need to write. It has been far too long. I am not going to go back and edit or censor this post. This is going to be a journal entry – real and raw.

I just came back from a yoga class, and during it a lot of negative thoughts came up for me. I felt heavy, bulky, stiff and tired. I just felt low. I have been listening to a lot of “yoga for every body” type podcasts and absolutely loving the message. And the teacher at this class was wonderful, but I was just so aware of how uncomfortable I felt. I typically look forward to yoga and really enjoy it. I usually feel strong, alive, powerful, able. However, today was so different.

I think I’m confused with myself right now. There are all of these things that I feel like I should be doing. All of these wonderful tools I’ve amassed, people I’ve talked to, classes I’ve taken, things that I know that would make me feel great. And yet I sleep in instead of getting up to meditate, watch TV instead of journaling, etc. I have always wondered why when I know what will make me feel good I instead choose to do what will instead make me feel low. I try every day to give myself full permission to do what feels right in the moment. However instead of actually giving myself permission I thing I instead numb. I don’t accept myself, I just don’t think about it. It’s better than repeating the same old negative self-talk, but it’s not authentic or deep. And it’s not really working for me. Sleeping in and watching TV can be great things, but not when they’re used unconsciously to consistently distract. I choose to zone out instead of asking myself what I’d truly like to be doing in that moment – what would be the most rewarding, relaxing, rejuvenating, enriching, meaningful.

I’ve been applying the exact same thought process (or lack there of) to the way I eat lately. I’ve finally stopped dieting and have given myself full permission to eat whatever I want. The physical permission is there, but what about the emotional permission? I just don’t let the emotions in at all. It’s like in order to stomp out the negative emotions – the guilt, the shame, the boredom, the feelings of failure – I’ve numbed everything out. No brainwaves given to the negative or the positive.

I’m good at numbing out. It’s how I got through my childhood.

I know that about myself – that I numb so easily and so thoroughly – and yet I still default to it. At times I’ve been much more self aware, but lately I’ve let it slip. It’s time to get back at it.

I’m going to start checking in with myself more. A conscious checking in as much as possible through out the day.

How I am feeling right now: tired, a bit sad, frustrated with myself, hopeful

Hopeful.

Good night world

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